How are you feeling today ?

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Thanks Internet

It's been sometime. I have tried to find other ways of dealing with my obstacles. All which have lead in me in a huge, stressful, circle. No new plans, no useful help and a new diagnosis. Visceral hypersensitivity . ( ). And of course the only medications they want to use will either interfere with my antidepressants or drop my BP . My norm is about 96/57 . I don't think I need to lower it anymore. I have had more horrible experiences with doctors and more bad days these last couple weeks. It's really just seeming hopeless.  

I have spent the few years of my early 20's so far in and out of the drs, and emergency rooms. Driving all over for different testing and slowly watching my "fun" years pass by. I have good days, sure. But instead of rolling out of bed and heading out with friends, to school or to work. I am dragging myself to the bathroom every single morning with a stomach ache and nausea,after a prescription induced slumber . I can't go 12 hours without needing to take some sort of medicine. My damn purse looks and SOUNDS like a pharmacy. It's a little embarrassing when I go to pay for something at the store or have to find something in my purse and have to move around the multiple prescription bottles. I have tried the little pill cases but some of them look the same and it can lead to more harm than good sometimes. 

I will say that I am enjoying some part of my life. I have found some good people to be around and am slowly re-establishing stronger ties to my family. I am trying to make myself reach out and talk more. Even if I think I am annoying them. I try and keep it short and simple. I usually will get a response back, but most of the time people are having to run their own lives to worry about being my short lived entertainment.  After hearing for what seems like the millionth time of hearing " I don't know how to hep you" , I am throwing myself out into the job search again. I have to get out of the house and start contributing to the money flow around here. I hate not being able to be completely independent. On the other hand I am completely grateful to have someone who is able to take care of 2 people instead of just 1 at the moment. I have started college finally. It's only online for now, but hey it's more than what I was doing a year ago. 

Not only have this illness and it's companions detoured my life, they cause the ones I love to go through this pain and terrible time with me. Having to deal with all the unsure guesses by doctors, hopeful yet useless medication trials and tests that take hours of waiting in a room alone. It puts great stress on someone you live with. I feel the my loved one deals with this illness right along side me. They try their best to understand and are there with an emesis bag and water at the sound of gagging. 

It's a huge help to have someone like that around. Especially on those bad days. I have seen and spoken to people who have less supportive other halves and not only does it put more stress on the sick person, which usually causes a flare, but it just drives a wedge between the two people because it is such a hard topic to tackle. 

For now writing this stuff out seems to be the best alternative to ..... well anything really. Thanks internet for listening.

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